Alan

Built like a wind-up toy someone over-cranked. Yells like a malfunctioning fire detector. Confidence of a man who wears sunglasses indoors and calls himself an “entrepreneur.”<br/><br/>Allen is a 10lb, 5-year-old chihuahua-adjacent life form with the posture of a gremlin and the self-esteem of a celebrity who got mildly complimented once in 2019. He’s 30% dog, 20% mystery, and 50% warning label. His entire personality can be summarized as “vibes, but aggressive.”<br/><br/>Allen has trust issues but not the cute, relatable kind. The bitey kind. He requires three official meet and greets with any potential human so he can decide whether you are:<br/>1 Worthy,<br/>2 Snack-shaped, or<br/>3 Both (his favourite).<br/><br/>These meetings include:<br/>Meeting 1: Allen observes you from a distance like a Victorian ghost.<br/>Meeting 2: Allen pretends you don’t exist (a power move).<br/>Meeting 3: Allen approaches, sniffs, and judges your life choices. He claims you as his emotional support peasant.<br/><br/>He is described by staff as “small, spicy, and convinced he’s better than all of us.” Allen struts into every room like he’s about to fire someone. His lifestyle is “chaotic neutral with a minor in anger management.” His love language is intimidation followed by unexpected cuddles that feel like Stockholm Syndrome.<br/><br/>He adores snacks, tolerates toys, and forms deep emotional bonds with exactly one human at a time. Everyone else gets the side-eye of doom. He will absolutely make you feel like you’re auditioning for a role in his life, because you are.<br/><br/>Allen is good with:<br/>• Adults who respect boundaries<br/>• Therapists with strong job security<br/>• People who enjoy being roasted by a dog the size of a sandwich<br/><br/>Allen is NOT good with:<br/>• Anyone who assumes they can pet him immediately<br/>• Anyone who moves too fast, too slow, or at all<br/>• Ego threats<br/><br/>When he finally loves you, he LOVES you. Full-body wiggles. Foot-warming naps. Romantic stares that say “touch my belly at your own risk.” He will defend you from all enemies, real and imagined (mostly imagined.)<br/><br/>Fully vetted, Neutered, Chipped, fueled entirely by spite and hot dogs.<br/><br/>Apply now before Allen decides he’s too good for all of us and starts his own toxic-positivity podcast.

Built like a wind-up toy someone over-cranked. Yells like a malfunctioning fire detector. Confidence of a man who wears sunglasses indoors and calls himself an “entrepreneur.”

Allen is a 10lb, 5-year-old chihuahua-adjacent life form with the posture of a gremlin and the self-esteem of a celebrity who got mildly complimented once in 2019. He’s 30% dog, 20% mystery, and 50% warning label. His entire personality can be summarized as “vibes, but aggressive.”

Allen has trust issues but not the cute, relatable kind. The bitey kind. He requires three official meet and greets with any potential human so he can decide whether you are:
1 Worthy,
2 Snack-shaped, or
3 Both (his favourite).

These meetings include:
Meeting 1: Allen observes you from a distance like a Victorian ghost.
Meeting 2: Allen pretends you don’t exist (a power move).
Meeting 3: Allen approaches, sniffs, and judges your life choices. He claims you as his emotional support peasant.

He is described by staff a

Built like a wind-up toy someone over-cranked. Yells like a malfunctioning fire detector. Confidence of a man who wears sunglasses indoors and calls himself an “entrepreneur.”

Allen is a 10lb, 5-year-old chihuahua-adjacent life form with the posture of a gremlin and the self-esteem of a celebrity who got mildly complimented once in 2019. He’s 30% dog, 20% mystery, and 50% warning label. His entire personality can be summarized as “vibes, but aggressive.”

Allen has trust issues but not the cute, relatable kind. The bitey kind. He requires three official meet and greets with any potential human so he can decide whether you are:
1 Worthy,
2 Snack-shaped, or
3 Both (his favourite).

These meetings include:
Meeting 1: Allen observes you from a distance like a Victorian ghost.
Meeting 2: Allen pretends you don’t exist (a power move).
Meeting 3: Allen approaches, sniffs, and judges your life choices. He claims you as his emotional support peasant.

He is described by staff as “small, spicy, and convinced he’s better than all of us.” Allen struts into every room like he’s about to fire someone. His lifestyle is “chaotic neutral with a minor in anger management.” His love language is intimidation followed by unexpected cuddles that feel like Stockholm Syndrome.

He adores snacks, tolerates toys, and forms deep emotional bonds with exactly one human at a time. E