River

📄 RIVER — Professional Introvert (Feline)<br/><br/>Birthday: ~March 17, 2021<br/>Star Sign: Pisces 🐟 (Will absolutely “swim away” when overwhelmed)<br/>Credentials: Neutered • Vaccinated • Microchipped • Low-Drama Icon<br/><br/>🐾 Objective<br/><br/>Seeking a quiet forever home where my hobbies—staring out windows, light zoomies, and avoiding chaos—are fully appreciated.<br/><br/>✨ Qualifications<br/><br/>Doesn’t do “cat stuff.”<br/>Zero interest in curtain climbing, counter surfing, shelf yeeting, or midnight parkour.<br/><br/>Expert Rumble-Purrer.<br/>Engine sounds comparable to a semi-truck idling.<br/><br/>Master of Cleanliness.<br/>Immaculate litter habits. Would make Marie Kondo proud.<br/><br/>Low-Key Zoomer.<br/>Zoomies come in “gentle mode” only. Best enjoyed with a tray-ball toy.<br/><br/>Window Enthusiast.<br/>Can watch birds, neighbors, and leaves for hours. Will not file reports.<br/><br/>Affection Style:<br/>“I sit near you because I love you.”<br/>Touch optional. Proximity guaranteed.<br/><br/>😬 Areas for Growth (Please Don’t Rush Me)<br/><br/>Startles if you blink too loudly.<br/><br/>Still suspicious of hands, sudden movements, flirt sticks, and TVs that move.<br/><br/>Accepts pets only on the shoulders… and only if you’re cool about it.<br/><br/>Head pets? That’s a no from me, dawg.<br/><br/>Overstimulates faster than a toddler in a candy store.<br/><br/>🧑‍🤝‍🧑 Social Experience<br/><br/>Has shared territory with another cat (Krissy):<br/>Phase 1: “Absolutely not.”<br/>Phase 2: “Mildly offended.”<br/>Phase 3: “Fine, I guess we can nap near each other.”<br/><br/>Dogs? Unknown.<br/><br/>Humans? He’ll tolerate your presence… eventually even enjoy it.<br/><br/>🏡 Ideal Home<br/><br/>Quiet<br/><br/>Patient<br/><br/>Not sponsored by Chaos™<br/><br/>Comes with a window shelf and respect for personal boundaries<br/><br/>🌟 Special Skills<br/><br/>Rolling onto his back and looking extremely adoptable<br/><br/>Watching you cuddle other cats as he tries to decode the concept<br/><br/>Being adorable without trying<br/><br/>Pisces-level emotional depth<br/><br/>📬 Hire River Today<br/><br/>He’s not your typical clingy lap cat — he’s your introverted coworker who eventually warms up and becomes the funniest person in the office… once you earn his trust.

📄 RIVER — Professional Introvert (Feline)

Birthday: ~March 17, 2021
Star Sign: Pisces 🐟 (Will absolutely “swim away” when overwhelmed)
Credentials: Neutered • Vaccinated • Microchipped • Low-Drama Icon

🐾 Objective

Seeking a quiet forever home where my hobbies—staring out windows, light zoomies, and avoiding chaos—are fully appreciated.

✨ Qualifications

Doesn’t do “cat stuff.”
Zero interest in curtain climbing, counter surfing, shelf yeeting, or midnight parkour.

Expert Rumble-Purrer.
Engine sounds comparable to a semi-truck idling.

Master of Cleanliness.
Immaculate litter habits. Would make Marie Kondo proud.

Low-Key Zoomer.
Zoomies come in “gentle mode” only. Best enjoyed with a tray-ball toy.

Window Enthusiast.
Can watch birds, neighbors, and leaves for hours. Will not file reports.

Affection Style:
“I sit near you because I love you.”
Touch optional. Proximity guaranteed.

😬 Areas for G

📄 RIVER — Professional Introvert (Feline)

Birthday: ~March 17, 2021
Star Sign: Pisces 🐟 (Will absolutely “swim away” when overwhelmed)
Credentials: Neutered • Vaccinated • Microchipped • Low-Drama Icon

🐾 Objective

Seeking a quiet forever home where my hobbies—staring out windows, light zoomies, and avoiding chaos—are fully appreciated.

✨ Qualifications

Doesn’t do “cat stuff.”
Zero interest in curtain climbing, counter surfing, shelf yeeting, or midnight parkour.

Expert Rumble-Purrer.
Engine sounds comparable to a semi-truck idling.

Master of Cleanliness.
Immaculate litter habits. Would make Marie Kondo proud.

Low-Key Zoomer.
Zoomies come in “gentle mode” only. Best enjoyed with a tray-ball toy.

Window Enthusiast.
Can watch birds, neighbors, and leaves for hours. Will not file reports.

Affection Style:
“I sit near you because I love you.”
Touch optional. Proximity guaranteed.

😬 Areas for Growth (Please Don’t Rush Me)

Startles if you blink too loudly.

Still suspicious of hands, sudden movements, flirt sticks, and TVs that move.

Accepts pets only on the shoulders… and only if you’re cool about it.

Head pets? That’s a no from me, dawg.

Overstimulates faster than a toddler in a candy store.

🧑‍🤝‍🧑 Social Experience

Has sh