Animal-Human Relationships
- 1. Ten Reasons Your Dog Makes the Best Valentine's Day Date
- 2. Top Four Pet-Related Arguments -- And How to Solve Them
- 3. Is My Dog A Victim of Divorce?
Is My Dog A Victim of Divorce?
Stephanie LaFarge, Ph.D
Relationships
A psychologist answers human/animal relationship questions
I am trying to face a terrible reality: My marriage has failed, my two young children and I have to move in with my mother-and our dog, Toby, has nowhere to live. The only option is for him to live with my ex-husband and his new girlfriend. I can't stand the thought of Toby settling down to sleep in their bedroom. Although my friends tell me that John treats the dog better than he does his own kids, I still worry that his girlfriend will find a way to banish Toby to the backyard. I feel like I'm abandoning him.--Sara
Divorce often leads to a serious disruption in the life of the family pet. I commend your honesty in describing your concerns for Toby's future. Start by making a list of all of Toby's needs, such as food, shelter and attention. Then discuss these needs with John as part of your separation agreement. The ASPCA's Legal department can help you find a lawyer who will take the needs of an animal seriously [call (212) 876-7700, extension 4551].
In the meantime, please avoid negative references to his girlfriend-that will only inflame him. Your distressing thoughts about his new sexual partner are irrelevant to solving Toby's problem; do not make Toby an excuse for you to express your hostility toward John. The momentary relief this may provide is not worth the harm it does to Toby's chances for a new home. If John has behaved responsibly toward Toby in the past, he will probably continue to do so. Also, when your children visit their father, Toby's presence will be an asset.
I live in a small town in Kansas, where I'm studying to be a social worker. My supervisor won't let me follow up on cases of animal abuse within families. I've heard that kids who abuse pets may grow up to be violent adults-and even serial killers. Can you give me some ammunition to confront my supervisor's ignorance?--Kathy
It is especially gratifying to hear that you are committed to integrating your concern for animal welfare into your chosen career. As a mental health professional, you know that each case needs careful evaluation, and you are absolutely right that violence toward companion animals predicts violence toward humans. Sometimes pets are hurt or killed by a parent who is using violence to control other family members; sometimes a child harms the pet as "a cry for help" when he or she is being abused. Contact me by e-mail (stephaniel@aspca.org) and I will provide exact references.
By limiting your involvement in animal abuse cases, your supervisor may only be trying to protect you. Still, I urge you to keep supplying her with information about the link between animal cruelty and family violence. You can also network with local criminal prosecutors to alert them to this link. Cases of animal abuse are often difficult to prove in court-especially in small communities, where local authorities are reluctant to interfere with people's behavior toward their animals-but a successful prosecution helps educate the general public, and thereby protects companion animals who may be at risk.
We own a goat farm in upstate New York. Lately, it seems that city folks are piling in. Last month a man came by wanting to buy "a couple of kids for his kids." He seemed nice enough, but now I realize that I never should have sold him any stock. When I drive by his house, I can see that those goats are miserable. If I had the money, I'd offer double what he paid me to get the goats back. I can't just stand by anymore. City people have no business trying to raise livestock.--Herb
Have you tried contacting this family to offer suggestions for caring for the goats? What may seem to you like interfering might actually be interpreted as a friendly gesture. They probably don't think of themselves as experts in goat care, and would be open to your advice.
Do you think you can modify your attitude? If you approach them with recriminations, you may lose the opportunity to positively influence their behavior. Also, there is a chance that these "city folks" already realize they made a mistake in acquiring the goats and would willingly give them back to you-if you make the first move. AW
Stephanie LaFarge is the senior director of Counseling Services for the ASPCA.
Reprinted from ASPCA Animal Watch, Spring 2004, Vol. 24, No. 2, with permission from The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, 424 East 92nd Street, New York, NY 10128-6804
Courtesy of
ASPCA
424 East 92nd St.
New York, NY 10128-6804
(212) 876-7700
www.aspca.org
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