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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 11:38 pm Post subject: Why do people cheat?

This question has been swirling around alot in my head lately as it seems to have affected everyone around me to the point that I am starting to wonder if my hubby is cheating on ME?!

My friend Michelle: She has been with her husband for 15 years, they tried to have a baby for 8 years, he kept saying yes he was sure he wanted a baby, and he loved her and was very comfortable with their marriage and having a baby...well, she finally got pregnant, when she told him he looked stunned and surprised in not a good way, but then acted fine so she thought maybe he was just surprised she even got pregnant, then on her 30th BIRTHDAY, she went out to his truck and got his cell phone and there were these messages from some woman....she had noticed he never brought the cell phone in, not ever, and he never took it with him when he was with her...she confronted him and all --heck-- broke loose, keep in mind this was about 3 weeks after she found out she was pregnant, and he didn't even try to lie, he came clean (so she thought) and told her he had been having some kind of weirdo online affair with some woman named Nancy from the Las Vegas area, and it had been going on for years, more than two.

Keep in mind that she had been suspecting something for awhile, she says it was just in her gut that something was going on, she asked him about it many times, and he even threatened to leave her saying he was sick of being accused of doing something he wasn't doing...Can you believe the nerve of this guy saying that and threating to leave her when he WAS doing it the enitre time?

He is a truck driver, she had noticed he was going through a ton of money when he left, more than usual, come to find out he was buying calling cards to call this woman, they talked for hours on end, and they had some weird phone sex dominatrix --I have a Potty Mouth-- going, and they told each other they loved one another, it just went on and on, and he used to practially push her out the door at night, she worked nights, so he could get online and talk with this hag, just FYI, she is a teacher, teaching kids...and you should see some of the filthy messages they sent back and forth, I would never want someone like that teaching my kids.

She was of course devastated, she got copies of most of the messages from the cell provider and it just went on and on...he admitted it had been going on for more than 2 years, and that he did love her, but he loved michelle too...how can you love someone you have never even met? He claims he never met her, but I don't believe it for a second. This womans husband is a chef or something and made frequent trips to Upper Indy near Chicago to work, Ft. Wayne I think, and to see his family, she went with him and I think michelles hubby and this nancy did meet...anyways, Michelle was going to have an abortion, leave, get rid of him, etc. but couldn't go through with the abortion thank GOD, and so they sort of worked it out, but were definately not okay, at the time, she said she wasn't going to loose him over phone calls and cyber sex, and she thought she wanted to give him another chance, but didn't know if she could or not.

So...fast forward to about a month later....she checks the cell numbers online that he has been calling from his phone, there is a weird one that keeps comming up, she calls the number, some girl answers...

She confronts him...Turns out that at the same time he is playing house/nice with Michelle, AND having his fling with Las Vegas Nancy he also MET a woman truck driver in Memphis, and like an hour after meeting her had sex with her TOO!! He said he felt so bad about it blah blah blah, but he had the power to put an end to it, he didn't have to see or call her again, but he did keep contacting her, again and again and was telling her how he couldn't wait to meet up with her again, and some other stuff I can't type here...and he told her he would try to take loads going back down south so he could meet up with her...this is ANDIE from Ark.

Then she finds some not so good stuff that again I can't type here in this forum in his travel bag that points to being with more woman, possibly prostitutes that frequent truck stops...it's all so --darn-- gross. She is still with him...is she stupid? He says he would never do it again, he see's what he could have lost and now has a baby and a nice family, but isn't someone like that always going to be like that? I hate him personally, I think she is staying with him for financial reasons so she can stay home with her baby and not have to send her to daycare, she says she will probably divorece him once the house is paid for, they are in the financial position to have the house paid for in like 8 years of so if they keep up with the payments like they are now. She only tolerates him now I guess, she is okay around him, but you can tell he makes her sick and she isn't happy at all, but just pretends I guess.

My sister is another habitual cheater. She cheated on her last husband, and now she just old me about some guy where she works who is wanting to take her out, I said what about her husband, she said, what he doens't know won't hurt anyone...I'm so mad.

Now to me...there is a county sheriff at my Gym who has been talking to me alot, he seems friendly and I thought he was talking to me because I told him most of my family are police officers and he knows my uncle Ray, well, this guy has been talking to me alot, walking me out to my car, and just being friendly, I did not think too much of it, I did think it was a little strange, but maybe he was just like me and talks to everyone who will talk back, he has started asking me if I wanted to go out sometime or come over to his house and ride horses or something, So I informed him I am married, and have little ones and was not interested. So he let it go, then it started up again, this guy is so hot, but I still wouldn't do it, even though my husband is on thin ice with me at this very minute, I still would not do it, this guy is laying it on thick now, and said my hubby won't have to know...so this guy who has the same first name as my hubby by the way, knows I"m married, and is okay with possibly wreaking a marriage. I just don't get why he would want to pursue when he knows I am married, and to a very large man I might add...

A friend of my husbands just got divorced because his wife met someone online, met up with the guy and took off with him...

It's just too much!! Sorry this is so long, but I had to vent...it feels like I'm living in a soap opera scene right now. I have always thought when someone cheats they no longer love the person they are with, what are your thoughts?

P.S...anyone who reads this, please vote in the poll, be honest, nobody is going to know how you voted, I'm curious to see how the numbers turn out, I think internet cheating has exploded.

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 2:51 am Post subject:

you should change your poll question. you specify online but also reference real life instances. i'd be surprised if the numbers didn't change somewhat if you gave the option of any cheating at all, on or offline.

and spicify what you feel is cheating? a look, a kiss, a date, just sexual acts?

edited for clarity to my comment.

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 3:24 am Post subject:

People cheat for a lot of different reasons.

1. They are not having their needs (whether they be sexual, intellectual, emotional) met in their current relationship and look to have those needs met outside of the relationship.

2. Men (and sometimes women, but not usually) will often cheat if they feel that things are getting too "real" in a relationship. This is a sign of immaturity on their part. For instance, the 22 year old guy who got married at 21 and now has a child on the way. Men at that age (and older too, in a mid-life crisis situation) look at their lives and feel like they are being tied down, feel frightened of their current and impending (a baby) responsibilities and go out and have a fling to have a little fun in their lives when their real lives get too serious. This happens ALL the time.

3. Both men and women will cheat to prove to themselves that they've "still got it". This usually happens when the person is insecure in their relationship, i.e. afraid of being abandoned. These are the types who will flirt with any woman/man in sight, and some will take it farther and actually act on that flirtation. This way, they assure themselves that if their partner were ever to leave them, they could go out and find someone else.

4. Sometimes people cheat as a result of a falling-out they have with their partner. Like you said, your husband is on "thin ice" with you right now. In relationships where there is poor communication and poor ability to resolve conflicts and compromise, people, in their anger, will go out seeking an affair purely for revenge. Like an "I'll show them" type of thing.

5. Then there are the morons, male and female alike, who end up cheating on their partner as a result of overconsumption of alcohol or drugs. Obviously this is usually just a one night stand type of situation and the person probably never consciously entertained thoughts of cheating, at least not beyond a fleeting period of time.

6. Men will also cheat if they feel they are being controlled by their girlfriends. It is a means to prove themselves that they are in control of their own lives. The reason I say only men do this is because in most cases, when a man is controlling over a woman, a woman will react in intimidation, whereas men rebel.

As to your incredulity over your friend's husband threatening to leave because of her repeated accusations...totally common. It's a guilt response and a way to shift the heat and the subject off of themselves onto their partner. Cheaters will deny, deny, deny to the point of absurdity. Confront them with the cell phone messages? "Those aren't mine, there must be some mistake" which then shifts into "If you can't trust me, then I'm going to leave".

Why do men and women pursue a married man or woman? One possible reason is that they're seeking security. As of yet, the men and women they have encountered are not interested in the level of commitment they are seeking, and a married man or woman is someone who is obviously willing to commit. Another reason is the taboo of it; for many, it's thrilling to be sleeping with someone else's wife/husband. It's the classic situation of someone always coveting what someone else has.

Here's my advice to your friend.

1. Have her go to a doctor IMMEDIATELY and get tested for STDs. If her husband is involved with another woman and possibly prostitutes, she needs to make sure she is not infected with some sort of disease, for her own good and the baby's good.

2. Discuss her support system with her---her family, friends, etc. Make sure she sees that she has people to rely on (like you) through this very difficult time.

3. Assure her that she is not to blame and that she is a desirable, worthwhile person to be with. Right now she is feeling like dirt under her husband's shoe. Being cheated on takes your self-esteem down to zero. No, actually, it takes your self-esteem BELOW zero. Help her to recognize her good qualities.

4. Tell her to join an online support group, like the Surviving Infidelity forum here http://ww2.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp. Talking to other people who are going through or have gone through the same thing she is, is ENORMOUSLY helpful. Also this one: http://www.lifesaviors.com

I feel sorry for your friend. No one deserves that kind of treatment.

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 6:33 am Post subject:

kks, yes, it's an epidemic. I'm sorry to hear about your stories, but not surprised, sadly.

Excellent post, fire. The comment about denial in cheaters is spot on. Personally, I feel that cheaters act out of pure selfishness.

kks, please insist that your friend get marriage counseling and individual counseling for herself. The husband needs counseling, too, obviously. With a record like that, that man will need megadoses of therapy to be able to be trustworthy again.

I can relate to why she stays, unfortunately. Unless the husband's income can support two households comfortably, woman very often find themselves financially worse off.

Still, she has just one child (or will have). I would never trust this guy again. If I were her, I'd leave now before he does it again, or before they have more children together. Or at least make a plan to get an education so she can be able to make a higher income and then dump his sorry keister.

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 7:19 am Post subject:

I do not agree that men cheat for all those reasons, partners can be the most beautiful, the most of anything and still people will cheat. People will argue in all those situations but when the line is crossed that is soley the responsibility of the individual

cheaters do it because of what is in themselves, sure they like to put it on their partner but ultimately its all about them.

affairs are a wonderful distraction, a way of not dealing with the exisiting relationship or sometimes a cry out that says Pay Attention To ME!.

what your friends husband is doing - online affairs, actual affairs, solicitation - this all speaks of sexual addiction. There are 12 step programs such as Sexual Addicts Anonymous or Sexual Compulsive Anonymous. Of course he needs to accept that his behaviour is self destructive

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 10:03 am Post subject:

Okay, I'll try to change the poll question.

As for my hubby being on thin ice, I should have clarified that it is dumb stuff like not changing the t-paper, I'm not thinking of cheating on him with this guy at the gym.

Michelle is going to start counseling first week of april, she says she is never having another baby, especially not with him. As for the money he makes, he and his partner make --darn-- good money, so I really think that is why she is there so doesn't have to put the baby in daycare.

Cheating in my book is a kiss done in a sexual nature and beyond, kissing someone in a sexual way or going further means you have total disregard for your partner and don't care about the relationship or have any respect for the relationship and don't care what it would do to your partner, only thinking of oneself.

I don't think if you cheat on someone you can love them anymore, I think that if someone goes out and cheats it means they no longer care for the one they are with.

Michelles husbands whole family cheats, maybe he thinks it's okay, he says he has change, that's what Michelle tells me, I just listen and don't say alot, but I don't think someone like that changes.

P.S.~Michelle is educated very well.

AND...how can I change this poll question on this thread?

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 10:54 am Post subject:

I sincerely hope you friend will never ever go to bed with cad again.
I pray she hasn't caught a STD from him. That is pretty hideous.

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 11:01 am Post subject:

cheating (to me) is any interaction with an outside person that takes away from your primary relationship, so it could be emotional and not just physical.

people cheat because they are not fully committed for whatever reason, and lack the maturity/will/integrity etc to remain faithful to the relationship.

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 11:06 am Post subject:

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 11:08 am Post subject:

I say the weak and willess cheat.
And they are not getting everything in their current relationship.
And Perhaps to weak to talk about it with s/o.

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 11:16 am Post subject:

i dont know why people cheat.
i dont know why or how anyone could do things like that that could hurt someone so much.

I never have cheated, never have and never will.

I have kissed (pecked) my friends that are males as a "hello" or "love ya" or "goodbye". that is as far as i have gone. chris has SEEN it!!
oh and i also grabbed a girls --mammary gland--. chris wished he saw that.
ok im being silly now sorry
this is a serious thread (tries to make straight serious face)

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 11:37 am Post subject:

Kristina, you always make me laugh.

We did a hike to the water fall the other day with the dogs. It was so beautiful.

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 11:42 am Post subject:

well, did you take pics??

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 11:42 am Post subject:

Kristina makes me laugh too!

I would'nt ever cheat on my hubby.
I love him too much, and I respect both of us too much.
Respect has alot to do with it I think.
Plus, how highly would I think of myself if I allowed something
like that to happen? Not very much.

OT-I got a new baby back pack. it's way better, and Jasper
sits up high on my back so he can almost see over my head!
In the last one, he was so low he kept leaning to the side
to try to see and the pack would get crooked and my one
shoulder was tensing up. But this new on I think will work
great. Going to the dog park today to try it out!

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 11:44 am Post subject:

i am cheating with flutter and kristina.

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